Remodel

The remodel is going much slower than estimated, in the beginning we thought we would have everything done by this weekend. Currently we have 2 living rooms 1/2 way done with flooring, no kitchen at all, a garage full of ripped apart cabinets, and a ceiling & walls in the back room that need texturized than painted. My dad has been skipping out on a lot of work, Mom has been here almost every weekend for 5 or 6 weeks in a row while he has only come down 2 times and both of those were just day trips (factor in 8 hours of driving and not much gets done) I am just so ready to have it all done and my house put back together. I would also love to find a job as soon as it is all done with.

Birthdays

4 1/2 years ago I broke up with my abusive cheating druggie boyfriend of 8 months, he wasn't my first in love or in bed and he was obviously terrible for me. We have only spoken maybe once or twice since than, enough to know he has a kid and is still in love with me. So why is it that after all this time when facebook reminds me that its his birthday, as if I didn't remember because its 2 weeks to the day before mine, do I wonder what he is up to?

Remodel Photos

They won't look like much because right now it is in destroy zone with very little living space that is completed...

Remodel

So its been forever since I posted on here...We are in the middle of a serious remodel on the house. We have officially removed all the carpet from the house, it is currently sitting on the front porch & some in the garage, in total white trash style but are having no luck getting it removed. It's $20 to haul it to the dump myself, but they have weird hours & I have no truck or the cheapest place to have it removed is $166. That just seems like a robbery to me, $146 for them to come pick it up? I know that they have trucks & employees but that is a serious mark-up especially since they will take 2-3 other peoples crap and dump it all for $20. So carpet is out of the house but not gone. This weekend Dad came down and laid wood floors in the master bedroom & down the hall. So the bedrooms & hallway plus the bathroom was already redone is all done. Than the rest of the house is ripped apart, I can't wait for it to be finished!! It is amazing how much better the house smells without gross carpet in it and Winstons allergies already seem better after just a week, poor puppy.

Cost of Owning a Pet

I found a graph on Petfinder.com that estimated the cost of owning a pet breaking down the average costs for all animals from a lizzard to a cat, small dog, large dog etc. I consider owning a medium & large dog 20lbs & 50lbs but they are honestly probably a small dog & a medium dog. The average for owning these two dogs a year should run about $1245. I also use mint.com to keep track of all my spending, you just upload your bank & credit card accounts into the system and it keeps track of everything you spend than you can sort it into catagories. So I just looked real fast to see and I've spent $761 on Pet related expenses since 9/20/08. I consider this to be extremely below average especially since about $400 of that was Vet expenses for Winstons allergies or flea treatment because we had serious issues with fleas all summer. We feed the expensive food & spoil our dogs with treats. Which makes me wonder how someone can spend $1245 on dogs... WOW! I think that everyone who considers adopting or buying a dog should have to look at this form and sign it stating they understand the costs of a dog. $1245 is about $100/month for two dogs so it doesn't seem that expensive but when you add it up, 2 dogs = cable + internet + phone line. EVERY MONTH! And than when people say they have to give up their dogs because they can't afford them...no one ever said Dogs were cheap animals, maybe you should have gotten a goldfish for 18cents.

Dolphins

Alright I may have lied, Vacation was pretty miserable but I did get to eat lots of amazing food, hang out on Burbon Street AND swim with a Dolphin named Lizzie (pictures to come) We went on a "family" vacation 2 years ago and I actually really enjoyed the family 2 years ago. I think because Blake and I had just been dating over a year, they were more reserved. This vacation it was all about Jordan hating Blake and calling her little brother her boyfriend... Blake grouchy because even though his parents know we live together and have dated for almost 4 years we weren't allowed to share a room. So when we finally got to New Orleans where Blakes dad had gotten a hotel room for "his family" and Blake & I had our own hotel room it was wonderful because we had some alone time and we're able to relax knowing that no one was going to yell at us for breathing too loud. The vacation strangle brought us both a little closer and made me feel like his family is nuts. His sister Jordan is skinny, like 5'5" 130lbs. and kept talking about how she was fat because his mom was skinnier than her, his mom basically didn't eat for several months while his brother was in rehab so she is now 5'9" 119lbs and grossly skinny. Than Jordan would order room service & eat non-stop. All of her talking about feeling fat made me feel like maybe I should care about how much I eat, but I still couldn't, I love food and am comfortable with my body enough to not care if eating that third brownie makes my stomach jiggle a little.
Than Blakes mom never drinks so after 2 drinks she is a serious drunk, so while we were sitting there one night she blurts out asking us 20 questions about getting married & a wedding, to which we both basically said we weren't getting married until his sister does because she wants to have a $150,000 wedding, which we both know is totally not our style and his mom loves to spend money so we figure letting his sister get married first will allow us to have a small wedding because they will be over that stage.
Upsides of the vacation: Free Cruise, Great Tan, Lots of wonderful food + 6lbs. & getting away from Springfield for a week.

Vacation

I spent a few days helping my mom move into her new house, which I love! But I was soo tired after 3 days of basically a 14-16 hour day of standing and moving that I needed a vacation after that. So than I came home in time to be home for a few hours and mow the yard before picking Blake up at the airport and driving to New Orleans for the cruise. FYI: 8 days with his family = needing another vacation. 8 days of fighting, arguing, hating each other, never wanting to do anything, complaining about everything DROVE ME INSANE!!

I am home again and on the job hunt, hope I find something soon!

Families

Is it possible to be in love with a guy and want to spend the rest of your life with him if you think his entire family is nuts? Please let me explain. I just got a call from Jordan (Blakes younger sister whose 21) 's ex-boyfriend, who she still is talking & sleeping with... Andrew, he texts me a lot and calls me whenever he is really drunk to talk about Jordan. He is still in love with her, and I know she still likes him but she is always trying to make him jealous and he treated her like shit a few years ago when they were dating, dumping her just before the last family cruise. So he is talking to me and mentions that she isn't suppose to be drinking and the prosecutor wants to put her in jail for 5 days because of her second DWI...I go WHAT?? We didn't know anything about the 2nd DWI, her first one was when she was 18 and trying to drive from KC to COMO after drinking a 5th of Vodka alone. She totalled her car 30 miles outside of Columbia and blew a 2.71 (legal limit is .08 unless you are under 21, which she was, and than it is a .02) I have a friend who went to the hospital to have her stomach pumped for a 2.17. After her first DWI she spent a weekend at a mandatory Alcohol Intervention, where her counselors told her she was an Alcoholic and should never drink again. So apparently Andrew than let the beans spill to me because we weren't suppose to know about the 2nd one. He said her parents know because they are footing the bill for her 4 hours, 3 days a week for 6 months of "outpatient rehab" for Alcohol. She got her DWI mid-march (right before she turned 21) and had to sign paperwork that she wouldn't drink for 6 months. She works at 2 bars and is a bartender at one of them, she drinks at least 4 nights a week and does not have a stop button to her drinking, she will drink until she blacks out- EVERY TIME! So Andrew said he was fed up with her shit, which I don't blame him but that is another story. So Blake's sister got her 2nd DWI in 3 years and before she is even 21... her parents just pretend that nothing is wrong and allow her to continue drinking. I am pretty sure after 1st DWI my Mom would have cut me off from all financial assistance, she is now at DWI w/ a $700/month allowance and now getting her "rehab" paid for.
Taylor, Blakes brother also has serious drug issues, at age 17, and was bought an $800/dog and sent to rehab just this past year. After failing numerous drug tests and still being allowed to go out with his friends without any punishments when he returned home, read past posts for more details on Taylors issues. I already sometimes get frustated with how Donna treats her children, they are essentially adults and being treated as small children because she favors them so much. And the way she is so "honest" and picky about details that seem so unimportant. So now I am looking at a family that obviously has serious addiction problems, an alcoholic and a druggie...and it makes me wonder about Blake. I know he has his issues and I get really frustated with him at time but he seems so "normal" compared to his siblings, should he have an addiction? Yes he drinks but not anything compared to what it was when he was 21, he can go out and have 4 or 5 beers and than go home. He doesn't drink unless someone else is drinking and is never more than 3 or 4 times a month now. He has smoked pot, I've seen it, but not any for the last 3 years of our relationship and maybe 2 times in all. He doesn't have a porn addiction, he doesn't have a food addiction. He loves TV but I don't think that is an addiction. He likes to gamble but never plays more than Nickel slots because he's afraid to lose his money. Can saving money and being a cheap ass be an addiction? If so that is his and I don't really have a problem with that. I thought my divorced parents who still spend time together and talk daily made my family a weird one but nothing is compared to the family that belongs on VH1 for how many addictions Dr.Drew would love to disect.

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants."

The Wedding Date with Debra Messing (Grace from Will & Grace.) was on and I love that movie. This is a rather famous quote from the movie. I found myself wondering if its true. Does my bestfriend want to be in love with a man who beats her and is really controling? Do I want to be in a relationship with a man who is a slob and super cheap? Did my mom want to be in a relationship with a man who worked too much? What makes every womans relationship the one she wants? Is it because by not doing anything to change things we are settling for what we have? Does this also mean that I have the exact job, family relationships, daily living, pants size, fitness level, etc that I want??

Job Hunt

I have officially applied for 15 jobs, all online. 2 of them required me taking my resume in, one of them I think I have a good chance at because my former boss/moms best friend is chummy with the boss there and said she would talk to him for me. Although it is working with developmentally disabled adults, not interior design...I loved my job working with Adults w/ DD and found it extremely rewarding but its not using my major so it makes me feel like college was sorta a waste. My other in person resume was at Carpet Barn which is an ALL commission job...which makes me extremely nervous because there was 1 person (the employee) in when I turned in my resume. I'm sure that I could probably make a lot of money there but I don't like not knowing how much I'll make...Today I got a call back for an interview, at Wyndham Resorts doing sales, it seems like a fun job, I know a guy who did it in HS and made BANK but I googled Wyndham after I made an interview time and realized its on the other side of Branson which equals a 58 minute drive, when not in old people traffic, one way to work everyday...I e-mailed the lady back and apologized but I didn't think I would take a job with such a commute and didn't want to waste her time, I'm sure I'll regret it if in 3 weeks I'm still unemployed but I'd like to think I'm eligable for SOMETHING with a college degree in Springfield Missouri!! I've applied for several college related advisor positions, seems like a really odd job for me but I like organizing and scheduling so... University of Phoenix had 2 and MSU has 1. MSU also screwed over my friend Amy and she is 1 credit hour short of her 125 to graduate TOMORROW so I'm pretty sure they need some Advisors who can count, plus its a 9 month contract which would equal 3 months of vacation for me!! I've also applied for Pharamacutical Rep jobs (but I can't really travel because Blake does so much and someone has to be home with the babies) Loan Processors, Store Managers, Receptionists and an Events Cordinator, oh yeah Home Depot is hiring a Designer...So in 13 days I've applied for 15 jobs. Also I have a call tomorrow with the unemployement office to figure some stuff out, they mailed me a letter. If I can get it all figured out I'll receive $85/week for up to 33 weeks...If I get $85/week for more than a month I will literally want to kill myself. I figured out if I spend NO MONEY on anything except rent, utilities & insurance it costs me $12/day to live = $40/month more to live than I'll make on unemployment if I don't eat, thankfully Blake has been taking care of me (semi) because I did take care of him for his 6 months of unemployment and I have some money saved up but BOY does being poor SUCK!!

High School

I guess some people NEVER change! There is a girl from my HS who I literally have not spoken to since 2 weeks before graduation in 2005, except once she sent me a message on facebook asking if I wanted to ever talk to someone about my father leaving my family I could always call her because "she'd been thru the same thing" Her father left her mom when she was pregnant with her, hardly the same thing as having your father leave when you are 18... I never responded and I guess it really bothered her. She was always real snooty in HS and thought her way was the only way. Just imagine the girl who always has to be right and multiply her by 3 to get Whitney. Her boyfriend in HS told me off because "I was telling people that she didn't like him" ...LOL even at the time. He later bought a house and put her name on the title, she painted the kitchen lime green, got drunk and told everyone he had a small penis, they broke up and he spent several months trying to get her name off the title to his home. She is now dating a big douche bag that she dated when she was 16 and he constantly has his status as something VERY ANTI Obama Healthcare planning. I find this extremely funny because she could not be more PRO Obama from all along. I pointed out on his status a few weeks ago that not only would we have to pay for illegal aliens to have healthcare but we are already paying for them to have education, because legally we have to provide everyone in the US under age 16 education (which almost always includes HEAVY english tutoring) she tried to argue with me that schools already have English as a Second Language tutors in place. Yeah because schools with 200 white kids have a heavy need to ESL teachers... he deleted his status because I'm sure she cried to him. Today his status is about Obama care and her status is that she hates people who talk politics over facebook. The same girl who for almost 6 months had something about how wonderful Obama was until he was elected. Guess she can only handle the truth her way.

Clutter

Twice now I've written a post and not had it be published. This one was a pretty good one but now you'll get the Readers Digest version of it. Blake is a packrat, not a terrible one I think its just laziness, he doesn't want to get rid of any of his belongings and prefers to just have his clothing overflow into the extra closet as well as have junk everywhere in his room. He had just a few items for my moms garage sale, mostly free t-shirts that didnt fit him but were in his closet anyways etc... He has a 1/2 a closet of clothing he never wears and I can not do his laundry for 3 weeks and he will still have an overflowing closet of clean clothes he could wear but he keeps buying new clothes and shoes. So at my moms garage sale we found a pair of 38x34 black dress pants that she said were in my closet, decided they were Blakes because they are his size, we sold them on the garage sale. I mentioned to him today if he had any idea why I might have a pair of his pants in my closet, he asked what I did with them, told him they sold for $1 not 25cents. He flipped out on my for selling his pants without his permission, best guess if they are his... they are from when we went to my friend Heather's wedding. Heather got married in October 2006. Almost 3 years later and you have never thought you were missing a pair of pants?? yeah that seems like too much stuff. I should have kept my mouth shut about the pants because he obviously didn't miss them but too late now. Would it be wrong to tell Blake they were a 34x34 and must have been my brother or dads?

Garage Sale

I spent the weekend with my mom, well Thursday & Friday... not working means any 2 days of a week are a weekend now. We sold a TON of crap. IE $245 worth of 25 cent sales an item is a lot of crap. It was great to see what was almost 6 SUV loads of the past disappear. I sold a lot of my old clothes and my mom sold a lot of books. She is soo ready to be away from our old house, it is selling and she is planning on changing her phone number and literally disappearing. I know it must be hard for her to leave where she lived for 25 years of her life but she is looking forward to "a new chapter" jon gosselin style, LOL.
My dad came down Wednesday afternoon and brought me my moms old roll top desk for the spare bedroom. I just got it all set up and I LOVE IT! I have everything all organized and put away, my laptop and printer set up and the door shut to my "office" I haven't had a desk since Sophomore year of College and I haven't used a desk since Freshman year. I love sitting here knowing I don't have any homework to do and can just relax. Speaking of college, I am getting ready to print off my resume, and cover letter to apply to be a education advisor at MSU. It is a 9month contract, which means I would have 3 months off a year and it doesn't pay terribly, $27k. I am also going Monday to apply to work at Arc of the Ozarks as a House Manager. I'm afraid I don't have enough experience for either job but at the cost of some resume paper and a few stamps it can't hurt to try. For 2 days now, as a college graduate, I felt ridiculous when someone asked me what I was doing now and I had to say I just got laid off last week. I wanted to lie and still say I worked at Fritz but when a friend's grandpa asked what my major was and I said Interior Design, he said so your going to be jobless, I laughed and knew he was right. I love Interior Design and maybe someday it'll be a profitable job but for now, NOTHING. I will be working to pay the bills and my mom keeps telling me I might find a job I end up loving, which is true.

Cheating

Today was Day 1 of offical unemployment, since I don't work on Mondays normally, although it feels like it has been a week. I have applied for several jobs online so keep your fingers crossed that in 2-3 weeks I will get a call. I want to organize and clean the entire house top to bottom but this rain has me unmotivated (when really it should make me want to clean since I can't do anything else)

A guy I use to work with at the Bank, he was my old man crush (OMC) early 40s good looking with a cute little BMW, who was also the Bank Presidents son-in-law moved his office out of the Bank not too shortly after I started working there. There was also a guy who worked there for several weeks across from me before he left to work as a Bank Examiner. His wife worked for my OMC in his new office and would come in to make deposits daily, which make sense for a business but to come into the office and than visit with your boss for an hour... when you could just make a drive-thru deposit. It ALWAYS seemed weird to me especially since after he moved his office she quit coming by and just did drive-thru. She would walk through and say Hi to her husband and than visit with her boss for an hour... I always assumed there was something going on. So about 6 months ago I found out that my OMC was getting a divorce, explains his moving his office out of his Father-In-Laws Bank. An old work friend stated that OMC was getting a divorce for having an affair and I immediatly thought of the lady who came in to see him. Work friend said there was no way because she was married w/ a little boy etc. etc. I told him to watch it because I was sure that is who it was, had to be, I had always thought they were having an affair even over a year ago! Sure enough this lady and her husbands divorce is offical today. The guy works with Blake now and they travel a lot for work. So Work friend and I were talking about the fact that she will get the kid & the house so the kid doesn't have to move. So this guy had his wife cheat on him with an old-coworker & her boss to get a divorce and lose his kid and house...Why is that fair?? I hate the way this worked out for this guy. I know so many people who get a divorce now-a-days because of an affair. I know they say that financial issues are a major cause of divorces but honestly I think its infidelity. I can't think of a single couple right now that got a divorce because of anything other than cheating from one or the other.

St.Louis

So Friday was probably the worst day of my life. We had planned a trip to STL to see two cardinals games for the weekend and stay in a hotel downtown. Before we left Friday afternoon, work informed me I was laid off, they were closing the whole shop, so now I'm unemployed... I am currently looking for any job in Springfield, especially something full time but until than I have a few weeks off... I am going to go stay with my mom and help her move into her new house and go see my friend Hannah that is getting ready to have a baby.
Since we had already bought tickets to the games and had booked a hotel room we went to STL. I was looking forward to a weekend away from Springfield. So we checked into our hotel in downtown St Louis and went into our hotel around 4:30 in the afternoon, we were leaving our hotel room around 5 to go grab some dinner before the game. As we were walking out of the hotel I noticed that the back window on Blake's car had been busted out. YES AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON!! So we looked around and realized that the GPS had been stolen off the dash. We went inside and called the cops and spent about 2 hours with the cops getting evidence taken and filing a report. FYI: Real life cops are nothing like CSI. Their was a man sitting in his taxi 2 parking spots away from Blake's car and said he saw a "black man get out of his silver old cadillac and go over to the car, but just assumed it was his car, he didn't hear the window break or the man try to get into the car, just heard the alarm go off and assumed it was his car and he was getting some stuff out of it" n/m the fact that the taxi driver failed to ever look over at the car again to see that the window was busted out. He didn't get any more information about the man and the cop didn't seem to care. The Crime Scenes guy showed up and got some prints, that was just like CSI with the finger print dust and sticky tape. However their were no pictures taken and very little information taken down, obviously they didn't expect to ever catch the guy who stole the GPS. So we finally got it all fixed, well the window at least. Blake will be taking his car to the shop this week to get all the scratches, fixed on the inside and outside but so far just the window replacement was $318, good thing he has a $250 deductible. Just makes me angry at myself for not remembering to grab the GPS, scared that someone would be willing to steal a $200 GPS out of a car in broad daylight with a taxi driver just one spot over, and disapointed at how worthless the STL PD seems to be.

off to go job hunt!

Critizing

I've always felt like Moms are suppose to be supportive, the kind that makes you feel like you can do anything and offers support or suggestions to help you with that. My mom and I worked for a couple of hours working on these canvas's for Hannahs baby room. I thought they were pretty good, not perfect but good and Hannah loved them. I showed them to Donna and she asked, are you going to white wash over these? You could put a ribbon around the edge to hide the staples. I don't know why but it really upset me, it seems like more and more lately she has been mentioning things that aren't done right when I didn't ask her opinon. I was telling her about the plans for wood floors & a new kitchen for my house soon and she asked if we were going to drywall over the paneling and move a door in the backroom. 2 things we had never talked about and my mom actually helped me paint over the paneling not too long ago so that it wasn't noticeable... and move a door that is a HUGE amount of work inside and outside because we would have to re-siding the whole outside of the house to make it match. Neither one of those things bothered me about the house, once upon a time she mentioned replacing all the interior doors in the house, that would be like 10 doors or $400 for things that are in decent shape. I would like to assume that most of that is because she doesn't think about money like a normal person does. But than she does things like told her 21 yr old daughter that she was getting fat, Jordan didn't ask her opinon and Jordan probably weighs 130lbs (would love to hear what she actually thinks about me since I've always weighed more than that and am getting a food baby) It just makes me feel like lately I am being EXTREMELY judged by her for my every move, and living just an hour away if I stay with Blake she will always be in my life, which is another story in its own...

Oprah

I just caught the end of an Oprah & Dr. Oz episode. Dr. Oz basically listed about 80 vitamins a person should take DAILY to be healthy... this includes 2 baby asprin if you are over 40.

This list for a 20-40 year old woman includes: A, B6, B12, C, D3, E, F (folate), Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Biotin, Pantothenic acid, Calcium, Magnesium, Selenium, Zinc, Potassium, Lycopene, Lutein, Quericin, Omega-3, Cinnamon, Red Pepper, Tumeric, Coenzyme Q10,
Coffee & Green Tea.

It also included specific amounts of each item you should take and how often a day... I realize that most of these are in a multi-vitamin, but it just seems to me that a Doctor would recommend eating healthy before he would suggest taking a ton of vitamins. I had recently read an article online about how a lot of the vitamins, medications etc. we take are making their way straight to the water system. Wouldn't we encourage people to eat healthy before they put all of these items into their bodies?

Suze Orman

I hate Suze Orman but can't help myself and get caught watching her money show all the time, she seems to put it into a way that people who don't understand money or know how to handle it can understand. So I'm reading her book, which is where I got the idea to open a savings account... The book is called "Women & Money Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny" and is actually a good book about life not just money, which is what I think I needed especially as a fresh college graduate. I am on Chapter 5 and can't quit reading over this one part.

"A wealthy woman absolutely has money, but she also has happiness, courage, balance and harmony. A wealthy woman is generous, clean, wish, and therefore beautiful. A wealthy woman has it all, so to speak, and brings these qualities into every relationship, carries them with her in every waking moment of her life."

Words to live by.

Mothers

After spending a day with Blakes mom and than my Mom, I am thankful for my Mom. Blake's little brother obviously just got home 2 weeks ago from rehab for smoking pot and popping prescription pills. I realize that rehab is not something to take jokingly but it seems like everyone must now cater to Taylor. Anything and everything Taylor wants to do, he gets and it drives his older siblings insane. Taylor got a "Welcome Home" from rehab ice cream cake from dairy queen. Blake's mom FREAKED out on Blake for trying to pack a cooler of beer to take to see the fireworks show and drink with his father, at 24 he got scolded like a little kid. She claimed that the smell of alcohol might make Taylor relapse...Taylor only drank once or twice and said he hated the taste of alcohol, so obviously the beer isn't going to make him go pop pills. They treat their 17 year old like he is still 5 and if she was my mom I would want to kill her. Also I realized this weekend that the lady never sits down, she is ALWAYS dusting, sweeping, doing dishes, picking up stuff, doing laundry. I realize in a house of 5 people maybe laundry was a staple but only 3 of them live there now. She made a comment that she couldn't imagine not having a large washing machine anymore because of how much laundry she does. My mom claimed at the height to only do about 11 loads of laundry a week for 4 people, in her small washer. So even for Donna that should only average 9 loads a week now or 15 if everyone is home (which they never are) so is a large washer that different?

From the 4th of July at Blake's family, I realized how much different my mom is from Donna. My mom has a messy house, there are piles everywhere, she doesn't always vaccum and dishes can sit on the counter for days before getting washed. The mess annoys me but my mom once said that she didn't want her kids to remember her for always having a broom in her hand, and she did that. I remember PLAYING with my mom when I was little, and never having to worry about the mess in my room or cleaning up the kitchen. I appreciate that now, Donna is always cleaning and never around her children until that all is done even when they are only home for 2-3 days a month now. My mom is much less materialistic and judging, she doesn't walk into a room and go wow that color doesn't match or you look like you've gained some weight. She doesn't care what brand your shoes are or how much you paid for your haircut. My mom has prided herself on being very independant, she can change a light fixture (not just a bulb) she doesn't mind getting dirty, she will try anything and see if she can figure it out. She helped me install tile in my bathroom and put in a new toilet!! Donna paid someone to do that for her bathroom, even her husband didn't do that. My mom is not as close with her family as Donna. Donna's family gets together at least once a month and she talks to them about EVERYTHING! But my Mom has friends, people who aren't family that she spends time with, goes on vacation, eat dinner and talk on the phone, I've noticed recently that Donna does not hang out with anyone that is not a family member except for the lady she works with, and that I am pretty sure is only work related.

I love Donna and am not saying that everything she does is wrong, to each its own. I just know that I've learned to appreciate my Mother that much more. Also FYI You should look at the cool pictures my mom painted for my new upcoming God Son's room while she was down here yesterday. She use to paint all the time and is really good at it, I am so glad she got to do some stuff for Hannah's baby.

Fleas!!

So my poor puppy Winston has been battling with allergies and fleas and a yeast infection... He is basically bald on his ass and has been spoiled with good food and yogurt everyday. He is getting a little better but everything I've read said that NOTHING will matter until his fleas are gone. I bombed the house and sprayed the year about 3 weeks ago, I clean (vaccum & sweep) at least 3xs a week and nothing seems to be helping him. Today I mentioned to Blake that the boys are going to need some more frontline and some bug bombs/treatment for the house. He got all upset when I asked him to pay for it this time because I have ALWAYS bought anything dog realted and/or cleaning for the house. He said that "Leroy is fine" so why should I pay for anything.... ummm... lets see because Winston never had allergy issues and/or fleas until you brought Leroy home. Two dogs = 5xs the work and at least 3xs the bills but not for Blake!! Winston has been eating super expensive food $53 for 35lbs. because it is suppose to help his allergies, well Winston weighs 20lbs and Leroy weights 60lbs. so guess who eats most of the food. Now guess who pays for ALL of the food! We split "housing" down the middle, utilities, dish, internet and rent but otherwise I feel like its all on me and always has been. Last month when I asked for his $58 to cover everything except Rent, he actually mentioned I owed him money from our trip to Vegas (that he got me for my graduation) and managed to sneak his way out of the bills. It didn't bother me as much until this last month, I am struggling to get things in order after graudation, I currently have a lot more bills than I have ever had before and don't feel like I have the money to pay his half too. I supported him for 6 months while he did NOTHING after he graduated. All through college he was given $700/month from his parents to pay his bills, I got "rent" the last 2 years. $250/month vs. $700/month. I clean up the entire house, inside and out. I take care of his dog and mine. I feel like I am raising two people and two dogs on my tiny salary with growing bills while he is working his cushy job making lots of money and not doing anything. He freaked out like a toddler the other night when I asked him to "swiffer" the floors (which involves sweeping & moping them) to the point that I don't even want to ask him to help me anymore. I kindly mentioned that the next time we need clorox wipes it is his turn, "I'm not the one that uses them."

Okay wow this started out as a rant that my poor puppy is balding and has fleas and turned into a my boyfriend is a worthless mooch. Well I feel equally as strong about both situations!!

Savings

Savings update, just realized I still have a $210 bill to MSU due by 7/15/09... I feel like I could have been a rich person if I'd never went to college. I know they say college grads make more money but honestly I spent over 4 grand on ASA stuff and like what 48 grand on college tuition plus books and supplies. I once figured my design class cost me almost $800 including the markers I bought that I will never use again all of this so I can currently make $8/hour in a shitty economy. I was making $9.50/hour the summer before I came to college not counting that I worked almost 10 hours overtime a week. They give you a $1/hour raise every year so I'd be making $12.50/hour now, working full time and have not spent 52 grand on college... Why did I go to college again??

Birth Control & Pregnancies

Pregnancy Rates for Birth Control Methods
(For One Year of Use)
The following table provides estimates of the percent of women likely to become pregnant while using a particular contraceptive method for one year. These estimates are based on a variety of studies.
"Typical Use" rates mean that the method either was not always used correctly or was not used with every act of sexual intercourse (e.g., sometimes forgot to take a birth control pill as directed and became pregnant), or was used correctly but failed anyway.
"Lowest Expected" rates mean that the method was always used correctly with every act of sexual intercourse but failed anyway (e.g., always took a birth control pill as directed but still became pregnant).


Birth Control Methods & Pregnancy Rates
Method Typical Pregnancy Rate Lowest Pregnancy Rate
Male Sterilization 0.15% 0.1%
Female Sterilization 0.5% 0.5%
Implant (Norplant) 0.09% 0.09%
Hormone Shot 0.3% 0.3%
Combined Pill 5% 0.1%
Minipill 5% 0.5%
IUD 0.8% 0.6%
Male Latex Condoms 14% 3%
Diaphragm 20% 6%
Sponge (no births) 20% 9%
Sponge (births) 40% 20%
Cervical Cap (no births) 20% 9%
Cervical Cap (births) 40% 26%
Spermicide 26% 6%
Withdrawal 19% 4%
Natural Planning 25% 1-9%
No Method 85% 85%

This isn't the original table I had found but pretty close. The only ones that really shock me are the condom and withdrawl. You are "almost" as likely to get pregnant using a condom properly as you are to pull out. Although with the amount of people who are pregnant that I know, I'm pretty sure that my high school taught the "no method" as offical birth control. Which I guess is really what you are teaching when you don't mention sex education in school. I think if my health teacher had said 85/100 of you will get pregnant if you don't at least pull out, I would have avoided having sex! But than again if my teacher had said 4/100 of you will get pregnant if he pulls out and 3/100 of you will get pregnant if he uses a condom, it would have made it a lot harder to convince a guy to wear a condom, unless those gross STD pictures did it for him...

Savings

I just opened a savings account!! I had one until college and than I closed it because sadly it was empty. I have decided to start saving AT LEAST $50/month and pretend that money doesn't exsist. So not only in addition to just trying to spend less than I am currently making, I will be saving more money. Wish me Luck!

Date Rape

What is considered "date rape?" I have been reading my Xanga a lot lately, just because so many more people post on it and I love getting to read other peoples stories but I only post on my blogger (whatever this is) A girl on Xanga was posting asking if she had been date raped one time because she got really drunk and high with a guy and remembers telling him no to sex but woke up sore. It left me wondering if I'd been date raped? Labor Day weekend of my freshman year of college I went home and went to a neighbors party. The guy I had dated all of my senior year was there and to avoid having to talk to him I got wasted and remember throwing up outside of the house we were at, CLASSY!! My best friend let him take me home. Other bits and pieces were filled in by my best friend the next day, maybe I should not consider her even a friend anymore. My car was parked at the gas station and without drawing a map its rather confusing because the party was about a mile south of my house and the gas station was about a mile north of my house so I had to drive past my house to get my car. I remember waking up, or whatever you call it when you aren't blacked out anymore, to Matt having sex with me in his car behind the gas station, again I state Classy! I remember mumbling that I had thrown up and to stop I wanted to go home because I was obviously drunk. And than I woke up in my bed the next morning with my car in the garage so?? Is it considered just drunken sex or would it be classified as date rape? At this point we had been broken up for 4 months and I was sleeping with someone else in Springfield. He had been doing heavy drugs and cheating on me with another girl which is why we broke up and even though he still called me, I never wanted to talk to him again.

Jon & Kate

I am sitting here watching Jon & Kate plus 8 talk about their divorce and find myself suprisingly attached to this show. Is Kate a major cunt? YOU BET! Is Jon a major douche who needs to grow a pair? YES! I have watched the show all along and actually enjoyed watching them bicker and fight like a real family. It all seemed so real until this season when Kate started dressing up (heels & a skirt to run errands??? she use to wear sweats 24/7) and Jon started wearing Ed Hardy and having pierced ears. They started to do everything seperately and the show started sucking but now they are getting a divorce. I think the divorce effects me because I know what being a divorced child is like. It seems to me like Jon & Kate did nothing to try and work on their marriage and I hope they realize what they are getting into. They will still have to work together and be together a lot so does the divorce really change anything? Jon skipped her birthday and their anniversary... just last year they renewed their vows claiming they would "be together forever??" Was that all just a joke to get viewers? What happens next?

Pet Peeves

My Pet Peeves:

1. sucking snot thru your nose...use a kleenex
2. slow traffic-use the right lane
3. girls who bitch about their weight when they weight 90lbs.
4. being treated like i'm 12 and unable to do anything without it being explained to ridiculous details
5. i will add to this list later

Memories

I spent the day with my mom house shopping. She is currently living in my grandmas house while my grandma is in a nursing home so her "house" is filled with lots of old woman memories. My grandma literally saved EVERYTHING! She has every letter written back and forth from her and my grandpa while he was at war. She has all of my 3 uncles army uniforms and a lot of my moms clothes (including her first communion dress) which is amazing. I even came across old stamp books from the war and her graduation diploma from 1935. It makes me feel bad because I throw away EVERYTHING but than again I don't know if my memories will ever be as awesome as hers. I grabbed some old photos from her enormious collection which I plan to blow up and have framed, I'm also in the process of getting a frame put together to frame some letters from her collection for my wall in my office. I love her old stuff because it has soo much family memories and history. My grandpa wanted a picture of her in a swimsuit when he was away at war so she sent him one, with her head cut off. LOL I found the one w/ her head cut off and also the original. I'm going to frame the original in my bathroom. I told my Grandma and she was so embarressed that I had found the photo.

VENTING on Cheating

I have ALWAYS had a low tolerance for cheating. In HS my boyfriend lost his virginity to a random girl at a Mizzou party, and I still think Mizzou girls are slutty. We broke up and ironically 2 years later I was crying on his shoulder when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom. I think at that moment he probably realized how much he had hurt me and that he was a good friend of mine who I trusted. We still talk occasionally and are pretty good friends for being my "first real boyfriend" 3 years after Adam cheated on me, my boyfriend at that time would cheat on me and be one of 8 possible fathers for a girls baby. Both of those relationships are actually really irrelevant to this blog. When I was 16 years old my father began having an affair with another teacher at his school, she was recently divorced and when married was a friend of my parents who came to a few parties at our house. My dad moved out and served my mother with divorce papers when I turned 18. We are just now 6 years later beginning to have a decent relationship, he has called me on the phone several times in the last month and visited my house twice in a year, the third time to Springfield in my whole college career. So I have had a huge problem with people who cheat, more so women than men. I'm not sure why women bother me more, maybe because I assume this woman came on to my dad, maybe because I think of them abandoning their families.
So tonight when we went to Piano Bar for my "free" party and Blake started inviting his work friends I decided I needed to leave. Blake works with a girl who was cheating with a guy at work. She was married and he had a pregnant wife. Her husband found out and divorced her, he packed up his family and moved to Columbia to get away. Blake is out of town a lot for work at other banks and almost always with 8-10 other co-workers. So it was "easy" for these two to have an affair because no one questioned their being out of town together two weeks a month. I said hello to her and than waited 5 minutes for Blake and another guy he works with to have her chug 3 beers before telling them I had to go home because I have to work tomorrow. Blake is on his home to get home if he does at all... I couldn't even stand to look at her because I had known what she had done, to her husband and her "boyfriends" family.
I also know of another guy Blake works with, I use to work with him at the bank. J's wife was having an affair (or maybe still is) with her boss. Her boss got divorced and left his wife and 2 kids. I am sure that J has to know but than again his wife still works for the same man and is still together with his wife... I give him serious props for being able to stay with her if he knows because I know that I could not do that!! But how easy was it for her to cheat, her husband was out of town 1/2 the time and she just had a small child who didn't know the difference. How sad!! I just don't understand how anyone could do that to someone they "love" and especially to their family. I have seen first hand how someone cheating effects the family. Until the age of 16, and even until my mom told me my dad was cheating, I thought my family was perfect. My parents fought but not a lot and never over anything serious. They were always really affectate and loving towards each other, I never once thought my parents would get a divorce until the day he left. Even to this day I will always question my relationships because if after 18 years of "happiness" a divorce happened....how long do you have to be married before it's "safe?" Is it ever safe?

Puppies

I spent morning at Petsmart checking out all the puppies and almost came home with what can only be described as a "winston/leroy puppy" it was a small black puppy with curly fur (literally a mutt mix of the two) she was a SherPay named Betty and was super sweet. If Blake wouldn't kill me I would have brought her home. We watched Ashley's dog Lexie aka "Devil Dog" Thursday-Saturday so he was on a serious NO DOGS kick. Lexie shit on the floor twice, in her crate twice and threw up. She spent all day Saturday outside!! She wasn't even in her crate that long and was given the chance to go outside every 4 hours, just like the boys... MISERABLE!!

Saturday night we took a friends little girl to Petland to look at the puppies, I would never buy a puppy from them, they are puppy mill puppies and I've heard sooo many people say "I would only buy a puppy from them because I feel bad for the puppies" SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?? They make LOTS of money when you buy their puppies, they make the same amount if you feel bad for the puppies or if you just want one. They had a "mixed breed puppy" at Petland, it didn't have a price but I'm sure it was at least $400. $400 for a MUTT you could get at the Humane Society for $65?? They had kittens for $170, Kittens at the Humane Society are $40. Yes the Petland kittens included a vet visit and all its shots and was fixed. SO is a Human Society kitten AND a tax deduction!! You can also rescue lots of puppies, even purebreds! Almost every breed has a "Rescue" group that will allow you to adopt and they frequently get puppies even brand newborns up for adoption. Purebreds at half price and you are rescuing a helpless life.

Which brings me on to the Springfield Animal Control. I understand that they can't keep all the animals they get, its a fact of life that people who don't spay/neuter their animals have unwanted babies. So they end up with strays or dumped animals that no one wants. Leroy isn't fixed, Blake won't fix him but we don't let him near any female dogs and especially not around unfixed females. However having unwanted puppies and disregarding them as trash is another situation. The Springfield Animal Control accepts dumped animals, which absolutely breaks my heart, there are currently 2 tan labs on their website that will be terminated today, and picks up strays found, some with collars on. They keep the animals for 5 days before they kill them, or CARE animal rescue can come get them but their also a full rescue place. Recently their was a Westie on the Animal Controls website, she was going to be killed today. My mom works with Westie Rescue, thats where she got Sparky, and all our Westies are rescues of some kind. So my mom called me freaking out Monday night because she wanted me to save this westie girl, she was well groomed and so precious. Animal Control won't let Westie Rescue just adopt a dog from them, they also won't let anyone come get the dogs, it has to be CARE or the owner. So I went to CARE Tuesday to get the little girl, I was going to name her Ella (don't know why...) THANKFULLY she was picked up by her owner, less than 24 hours before she would have died... and NOW I can't stop thinking about all those puppies that die at Animal Control or in Puppy Mills!! I even had a nightmare that I was going around killing dogs at puppy mills.

Drugs

I just have to say I am thankful I am not a teen these days, and I'm only 22. My mom is a high school counselor at Osage Beach and said that if there was a city in Missouri that had "a lot to do" that would be it but the kids say there is "nothing to do except do drugs and drink" which is the way my hometown was. Population 485, lots of drinking and drug usage went on but that was all by choice. I did drink in HS, I only got WASTED twice in HS, my first time 3 beers = my throwing up on my bathroom floor. Second time was the only weekend my mom left me home alone and I went out and drank hardcore which resulted in me passing out by 9 on the bathroom floor at a party, being driven home and throwing up on myself than losing my virgnity to the guy who drove me home. I didn't drink heavily for a while after that and still try not to. Almost all of my friends did drugs when I was in HS. My boyfriend would smoke meth with one of my best friends (I didn't know the meth part) and everyone I knew who didn't hang out with their parents on the weekends smoked pot except my best friend and me. It wasn't like I never got asked to smoke pot, I just never wanted to and I still don't. So when Blake's mom tries to give me the reasons they figured out in counseling that Taylor smokes I just wanted to shake her. I am sure that drugs now are worse than they were when I was in HS but even the "pot heads" functioned well and went to school regularly. Taylor said that when his brother and sister went off to college he was really lonely and all his friends did drugs so he joined them. Donna than said that Taylor has a lot of friends from broken homes and when their parents divorced it led them to doing drugs... BULLSHIT!! My parents were divorced and honestly I think that a divorce at 16 is worse than at 6. I saw a "happy family" for a long time before it just split apart and I didn't know why. I didn't do drugs than! Almost all of my friends did drugs and I still told them no. My brother left for college the same summer my dad moved out. It went from a 4 person house to a 2 person house in a matter of weeks and I didn't do drugs. So all of those seem like piss poor excuses for being selfish.

Pregnancy and Abortions

I just found out a good friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. Her oldest baby just turned 1 in March. She was engaged to her "babys daddy" for a few months (the wedding I own a brides maids dress for and never wore) and he became abusive so she left him. Not even a mont later, she literally moved out of her babys daddy house and into her new boyfriends parents house, with her daughter. His parents watched her daughter while they went out and partied, people she didn't even know. Her life was basically a slow motion train wreck. So she is working on getting back together with her babys daddy and finds out she is pregnant from her boyfriend. She was trying to break up with him but he wanted sex so she gave it to him, he didn't want to use protection so she didn't make him. So obviously she got knocked up, its like a girl trying to get pregnant to keep a guy around. He doesn't want her to leave him if she is pregnant with his baby, she doesn't want to be with him because her daughter doesn't have her father around... she is talking about getting an abortion. I totally don't know what I would do in her situation but to have a daughter already and not keep your next baby because you don't like the father anymore. I just hope she makes the right decision. Her younger sister just had a baby 10 months ago and is pregnant with her second baby boy (both different dads, will be 13 months apart in age) and her older brother has two kids by two different women so its not like her family will be disapointed in her. There is an older sister who doesn't have any kids and two younger brothers who aren't old enough to knock up chicks yet. 6 kids, 3 on baby #2, 3 w/o any babies if you're trying to follow.

Update

I finished reading "Secret Life of Bees" and LOVED it! I would have never read it if it wasn't for a lady I work with telling me that if she had written a book about her life it would have been this book. It was a sad book just because I could really imagine her living this life but I enjoyed it and would read it again.
I survived Vegas, down $80 (not bad for a 4 day trip) missed out on a LOT of sleep, 5-6 hours a night and than none stop running around the rest of the time. 4 days was NOT enough!! There was soo much we didn't get to see, Real Life Lions at the MGM, Pirate Show at Treasure Island, we didn't go downtown at all and only made it 2 miles from our hotel in any direction. I am so ready to go back but not for a while. It was not hot there (luckily) it was only in the 80s but the week before it was in the 100s. So we didn't ever go in the pool, no humidity makes 80 actually feel really cool.
I'm currently in summer school, F U MSU!! 2 hours every Monday & Wednesday for 8 weeks, learning about Banking. I've already had my teacher for a class last semester so he loves me and I know it's going to be pretty easy, yesterday was my first class and I already have a test tomorrow... still haven't bought the book. Its actually an interesting class but it really cramps my work style.
Which brings me onto work, I got a "promotion" it hasn't come with a payraise just yet but I am now "head of marketing and sales" in addition to being the "head interior designer" I was already doing some marketing and our sales guy quit today so I got his job also. Even if I just get 1/2 of his paycheck I'll be happy. Plus I'll be extra busy, so busy my head will spin until I can get some design jobs, and all without a college degree :)

Didn't Graduate

So today I got a letter in the mail saying I was removed from the Spring 2009 graduation list at Missouri State because "Lacking 1 of the 125 credit hours required to graduate" I was confused, I had 128 hours of credit. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with a very nice lady in the graduation department who explained I only had 39 of 40 hours in upper division... Apparently my advisor forgot to forward an e-mail to me in FEBRUARY that I was lacking 1 hour. The worst part of this is that I've had 3 advisors this semester, 1 quit, 1 was a temporary and than the last and final one is a newbie! So they aren't sure which advisor failed to e-mail me. In addition to this are 2 mistakes from a previous advisor that added to this one. My sophomore spring semester I only took 14 hours, my advisor advised me to not take more than that because "my classes would be difficult" this left me as a "sophomore" over the summer which meant that my financial aid would not increase yet. This meant that my financial aid WOULD have paid for my to go to Italy for 3 weeks in the summer but my advisor had advised me not to take that extra class which meant, NO ITALY. That class would have counted towards my 40 hours...
Than my advisor suggested I only take 4 hours of Internship classes last summer instead of 6. I did all the work for the 6 hours but didn't want to pay the extra fees to take the extra 2 hours so I agreed. This also would have counted towards my 40 hours... My advisor technically screwed me out of 5 hours that would have counted towards my 40 hours and instead left me 1 under and NO ONE CAUGHT IT!! Not until June 1... 15 days after my "Graduation" this means that starting Monday I will be taking a summer school class so I can GRADUATE in August!
My teacher is one I just had last last semester for Business Law and he actually made it interesting so I'm not completely dreading the class. Luckily my work is very flexible and will let me out of work from 1-2:50pm on Mondays & Wednesdays to take my class. It just means it will cost me $270 plus book materials to get my diploma which I was pretty sure May 15th I was going to get!

My mom said that I WOULD NOT be getting another graduation party... :(

Animals

Most people know I am a 'crazy dog lady' I will admit that if I saw a trashy person and their dog on the street, I would try to save their dog and let them lay there. I was even sneaking my neighbors starving dog bologna and bought him a bag of dog food so I could feed him when they obviously weren't until they moved away. I'm a pretty cold person towards other humans, I look at it as humans have made their own choices, the dog next to them can't. I have a strong hatred towards people who mistreat animals. I am a follower of animals being a better judge of character than people. I trust those my dogs love and avoid those my dogs growl at. I am a strong believer in rescuing animals, all 4 of my dogs (2 my mom has and my 2) are all rescues and I just can't imagine paying for a puppy when there are millions of dogs everyday killed because no one wants them. If you ever want to cry, go to http://www.springfieldmo.gov/health/dogDisclaimer.html and view the animals that are currently on death row in Springfield alone! These animals are allowed 5 days, if no one claims them, they are killed!! All for getting lost?? We don't do that to humans!! I look at my dogs especially as my children, I give them the best I can. I feel bad for my dogs when they can't go outside and play or when they don't eat their dinner right away. If I'm away from home for a long day 10+ hours I worry that they will think I abandoned them.
So after all my feelings about how much I care for my animals. I cannot wrap my brain around people who just abandon their animals!! I know a girl who is in tears because she has to give up her pet because her apartment does not allow them. Did she not consider that when she was looking at apartments?? It isn't like she didn't have a choice where she lived, lots of places in town allow pets!! My mom has a dog who after 6 years his family gave him away because "he got dirty too much" AFTER 6 YEARS?? I only had Leroy 6 weeks and even though he had peed on me and kept me awake all night with his whimpering I still couldn't giie him up. And I know that in 5 years there is no way I could give him up! I also see families giving away pets because "we don't have time" than claiming the animal "needs little attention", you just said you didn't have time so how much attention does it really need?? Animals need attention, they take time! Its a commitment you made when you bought the animal. Or the economy doesn't allow me to keep my pet. I call BULLSHIT. My dogs are spoiled rotten and I still don't spend more than $100/month on both of them including vet bills. Bare bones I could feed them Ol'Roy and just get them their yearly shots, estimate they would cost me $250/year. If my job working $7/hour part time allowed me to spoil my dogs they way I do than I'm sure people who are working at least a minimum wage job full time could afford Ol'Roy.

Oprah

I have been reading a blog on blogspot - Living Oprah - this lady lived by Oprahs every word for 1 year -2008. She watched Oprah daily, read her magazine every month, visited her website for any advice she needed. If Oprah said "you must go see Celine Dion in concert" she went and bought tickets to see it. It was a really interesting blog because not only did she tell you everything Oprah wanted "America" to do but also what she thought about her experiences.
I read the blog and anytime she mentioned a book I added it to my Amazon shopping cart. 6 books later I spent almost $40 and $25 of that was on shipping!! You can tell that "The Oprah Effect" has led millions of American women to have books that she swore they had to read. 6 months later, they are all trying to sell their books on amazon for any money they can get to declutter (which is one of the books I bought -ironic YES) So in 6-8 days I will have 6 new books to read, my proudest was a book I bought for $0.77 plus $3.99 in shipping but you can't find books for even $4.78 anywhere, yeah I could have libraried them but I have this addiction to books. My shelves are filled at my parents home with books and here too. I have my favorites -anything by Nicholas Sparks, especially THE WEDDING, its the "sequel" to The Notebook and it makes me bawl my eyes out everytime I read it, I think I just finished my 6th time. And there are books I have never read, lots of them from Blakes mom I just haven't gotten around to. But as part of my new found Adult world, I will be reading more!! Not having to read textbooks always puts me in the mood to read. Currently reading -The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.

10 Things I wanna see, do and/or experience in this lifetime!

1. I want to travel Europe, I don't know if I have a specific place I want to go or how I want to travel I just know I want to see Europe in real life.
2. I want to see a lot of the "1,000 places to see before you die"
3. I want to go to every one of the 50 states. I haven't counted lately but I have probably reached the halfway mark on some of the near by states to Missouri.
4. I want to own my own business, be my own boss, run my own show. I minored in General Business with this very plan in mine.
5. I want to witness a miracle.
6. I want one of my Interior Designs to be featured in a magazine.
7. I want to raise a family, healthy children and smart.
8. I want to have more time to read, for enjoyment.
9. I want to be financially secure, enough money to put plenty into savings, pay all of my bills and enjoy some of it for my own desires.
10. I want to be in better shape, physically, exercise & eating.

Old Friendships

Today I went to a wedding and saw an old friend, I call her that because we honestly haven't spoken in several years and parted ways on bad terms. I knew she would be there, although looking back on it I am not quiet sure why she was there. The wedding was VERY small and there were few "friends" it was mostly family and I know my boyfriend was only there because he has been really close to the groom all of his life. The wedding was slightly bittersweet because the groom is being shipped off to Iraq for his 3rd tour in August and it seemed like hw as getting married to get double his pay but I saw him cry during the ceremony so I felt like it was more real. I also feel like he got married as a way to help protect her and her son if he dies while in Iraq. I worry about him while he is away and made him promise to e-mail me constantly to let me know if he needs anything sent to him.

Anyways....I spent 2 hours chatting casually with an old friend even though we have not seen each other or spoken to each other in over 3 years. The last thing we actually talked about except for details of parting ways was basically when she told me she "realized I was a person she did not want to end up like" and warned me that my boyfriend was a terrible person and would break my heart. Almost 4 years later we are still dating so I'd like to think she was wrong about him being terrible and breaking my heart. We talked and I realized that at some point it is probably possible to forget the bad things and hurtful things that others tell you. I don't think we would ever be truly friends again and am pretty sure we would never hang out on a regular basis but at the same time it felt nice to know that even though we never apologized it seemed like things were forgotten and forgiven. I wonder what other parts of my life, burned bridges and hateful words spoken have been forgotten and forgiven.

Vegas

In less than 6 days I will be getting off of an airplane in Las Vegas! I am super excited about it! I've never been to Vegas and have always wanted to go, especially since I've turned 21 and finally I am getting to go. Blake "suprised" me with tickets to Vegas for graduation. He accidently got drunk and told one of our friends he bought me tickets loud enough that I could hear him. So I have known for about 3 months but I let him think he suprised me because he loves to think that. He also attempted to suprise me with a collar for Winston for my bday a few years ago but was unsuccessful because I was in the store with him and saw him buying it but I also let him pretend he suprised me because lets face it, Suprises are fun!! So tonight we were eating dinner and he mentioned that in a week from tonight we have reservations for dinner at some restaurant (he said the name but I've already forgotten) and I'm thinking hmmm.... 1. Blake never makes plans. 2. Blake has been talking about engagements a lot lately ie. "When we get engaged, I'm going to give Anna a diamond off of my watch for her ring" the diamonds on his watch are about a 1/32 carat of a diamond if even that... 3. Vegas is the city where people elope to.
I've been helping my best friend plan her wedding which is June 4, 2011 IF it happens. And I am realizing how EXPENSIVE weddings are! I mean, 2grand for a photographer, $800 for a cake, catering for $25/person etc. Geez!! And Blakes Mom will want a HUGE wedding, which I totally don't want, I know people say that you only get one wedding blah blah blah but honestly I would so rather get married in my backyard at a BBQ than have to have a HUGE wedding with 500 people I don't even know, which is why I am getting married somewhere exotic, like Jamacia or the Bahamas.

Growing Up

Literally, no joke here, everyone I know is either a) pregnant b) just had a baby or c) getting married this summer. Does this make me a bad person that even while I am extremely happy in a 4 year relationship, I have no desire to get married anytime soon? Maybe I'm playing sweet lemons (good old psychology, turning a terrible situation into something good) because I know if Blake asked me to marry him I would say yes without hesitation and nothing would really change, we already live together... I just feel like my mom was already married with her second child on the way at my age and we saw how that worked out. I don't want to be divorced, EVER and right now I feel like my only solution to that is to never get married. Its like if you don't want to get pregnant or have any STDs you don't have sex right?? I'm also pretty sure I don't want kids, EVER. I have a friend with a 2 year old and Aubrey is the love of my life (pretty ironic since when we were young I always wanted to name my girl Aubrey Nicole, and now I have one without the pregnancy or birthing experience) but the whole responsible for anothers life, responsible for 18 years freaks me out! Its going to cost us an extra $98 to board our 2 dogs while we are in Vegas but there is no way to find a babysitter for 24/5 care for $98. I read an article that estimated you spend $700/month on a baby until kindergarden age child. $700/month!! I don't even spend $700/year on my dogs and they are SPOILED! Plus my dogs are going to die in 12 years and than we are done with them, even after your kids move out they are still around. Wow I sound so negative today, I am just pretty sure that marriage/children is out of my responsibility level right now and I would like to think I am mature for my age. I guess this all has to come from my recent college graduation, I didn't think I was ready for HS or college or graduation and now I have nothing left to "not be ready for"

Cleaning

I just spent two hours cleaning the house non-stop, dusting, vaccuming, sweeping, moping, bathrooms (UCK) and kitchen. It feels good to have it clean and it smells better :) We shaved Leroy last week and I noticed an extreme difference between the amount of hair in the vaccum this time, although it is still bad. Blake has been out of town the last several weeks and as much as I "miss" him, I enjoy having a whole house all to myself doing what I want, eating when I want, watching what I want on tv. I'll be glad when he is home and the puppies will be especially happy. Leroy will sit at the garage door and stare at it as if staring at it will make Blake walk thru. He also does not like to eat when Blake is gone but after 3 or 4 days he will eat, getting too hungry to be on a fast. I also do enjoy having him home at night, my neighborhood is safe but I still feel weird being home alone at night, what if something does happen?? Than again when I had roommates they would have been worse help than not having anyone here. One of my roommates actually had an ex-boyfriend stalking her from her hometown, 4 hours away. I am not even sure how he found where she lived but he would leave her notes on her car at the mall and in the driveway. CREEPY!!
There are 4 college guys who live across the street from us. They are typically okay except for the living out of their garage, couches tv table lamps etc. which I find weird and the ocassional loud garage party (wow I sound old) However they hadn't mowed in over a month and their grass was officially seeding and was at least a foot tall. I reported them to the city, like a little snitch. I hate when people don't take care of their yards, shitty landscape is bad enough but to not mow your yard for that long!! So I'm pretty sure they just volunteered to mow their lawn on their own because the house next to them also hasn't mowed and still hasn't mowed but FINALLY 1 down, 1 to go the college guys mowed their yard. I watched one of them mow the front yard while cleaning, it took him at least 45 minutes to mow the front yard in addition to the fact that it was over halfway done before I got home from work. It takes me 30 minutes to mow my whole yard and my front yard is hilly so it takes extra time. I estimated that he could have mowed the yard 6 times in what it took him to mow today because it was soo tall. I've only mowed my yard 3 times in the last month.

Small Children

Blake and I went to a Springfield Cardinals game tonight. I don't really like baseball all that much but I like Springfield games a lot more than STL. Smaller crowds, less walking, closer to the game, MUCH cheaper seats. We got a free set of tickets but they were originally $8 and right by 3rd base, try getting those in STL. Anyways the point of this blog was to explain why I'm pretty sure I can never have kids. The seats are SOO close together at the stadium and we were stuck next to what I will sware is the 3 worst children in the WORLD. They were maybe 10, 8 and 6ish... I first sat next to the oldest one. It was thunderstick night, those things you bang together to make nose. The dad and the oldest kid beat on these for a good 20 minutes straight, each time almost hitting me in the face. Than the little girl pushed her older brother down so he hit his head on the chair and screamed bloody murder for a good 5 minutes while the Mom just made it her biggest goal to get a Dr.Pepper from the guy walking by. 2 hours later they switch so I get to sit next to the screamer. He touches me, hits me with his sticks and wiggles in his chair hitting me constantly for a long time. The mom obviously hates her children bc she keeps yelling at him and than smiling at me like she is trying to help. Finally the little kid bites into his thundersticks and pops them but still won't stop moving so we scoot over a seat giving me a little space which he immediatly invades. They all leave to go to the bathroom and the people sitting 6 seats down from me (on their other side) smile at me and sort of roll their eyes like, "we have the worst seats in the stadium" The whole time Blake and I are laughing but wanting to slap all the children or hoping one of them busts their face so they will leave. That is when I decided I don't like children. My mom says I will love my own, just like I do my dogs but I am pretty sure I'll be the mom who shakes her baby or runs the car into a pond with the kids strapped in their carseats. My friend Jess has an adorable 18 month old Aubrey who I am in love with!! I texted Jess and told her I actually missed her and Aubrey and appreciated how well behaved Aubrey is compared to these little monsters.

Weddings and Abusive Relationships

So my best friend just got engaged today... I am extremely happy for her because I know this is what she wants but at the same time, how do I agree to be a Maid of Honor in a wedding I don't support.
This is her second engagement, the first one I knew would not last, she was living in Mississippi and he lived in Wisconsin and they had only known each other a few months. So this one is at least better than that one, I think...
This will be his 3rd marriage, he is 29, she is 22. I don't know why his first marriage ended but he has a daughter whose 9?? and gets along great with Brandi. His second wife decided she would rather be a dyke than be married to him and was actually friends with Brandi thru the whole divorce so it was a real big deal for her to start dating him.
Now don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and we've always gotten along well. He's been dating Brandi for over a year now...about and they live together. But my problem with him is more than the much older, twice divorced with a kid deal. My issue is from the fact that last summer we were going to Vegas for a friends bachelorette party and Kaleb put his foot down and said 'no' we wouldn't be going without him because he didn't trust Brandi. They broke up over that deal and he eventually relaxed and came back to her and she took him back. However that isn't even my biggest problem. At the end of March I actually wrote a post about this on my xanga. And here is the exerpt.
"My best friend since 9th grade is dating a man who abuses her. Her status on Sunday was "BT K****s not the guy u think he is...a concussion ...2 times thrown up against the wall and kicked in the face...thats what i live with...not so good huh? Yesterday at 12:05am" She changed her status to single and told me she was really sore and would call me later that day to talk about it. She never called. They live together and I sadly knew what would happen. His status today was "KS is saying some relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes changes need to be made for them to work and they usually need to start w good ole number 1!! 5:31pm" Not even 30 hours later and they are back together!! She told me this is not the first time he has beat her. I'm sorry but this is NOT okay!! And sadly I feel like I can't be best friends with a girl who doesn't repect herself and I know that I can never sit in the same room as him again. He has always been jealous, he wouldn't let us go to Las Vegas without him because he didn't trust her and he never has. He said he would change than because they had broken up but lets face it, you can't change a man like that, not if you keep coming back to him."

Which is why not even 6 weeks after he beat her up, for the second time, her getting engaged to him worries me. I love her very much and don't want anything to happen to her but I also don't want to lose her as a friend if I question her relationship and brand new engagement. She is a very strong woman and I just hope she is making the right decision.

Post Secret Graduation

Frank from Post Secrets spoke at St. Mary's Graduation, his speech was on his website. I wish he had spoke at my Graduation instead of the woman who did.

It was an honor to deliver the Commencement Address at St. Mary's College of Maryland today. I invited students to share their own "One-Sentence Commencement Speech."Read their collective wisdom in my full remarks below and add your own in the comments that follow.Twenty years ago, I was sitting among a sea of white folding chairs, just like you are today. I was graduating with my friends from UC Berkeley. I can’t recall who the commencement speaker was that day, or what he or she said. So, in some ways -- even though this is the first commencement address I have delivered -- I feel very little pressure. But in other ways I feel unprepared and undeserving of this great honor you have given me.Five years ago I started collecting secrets for an art project I call PostSecret. I invited strangers to write their secrets on postcards and mail them to me, anonymously. Today, I still get about 1,000 every week from all over the world and share them with people on the web and in five PostSecret books. These secrets can tell a funny story, expose a sexual taboo, describe someone’s most humiliating experience or reveal hidden acts of kindness. Each secret is unique just like a fingerprint. But collectively they remind us how connected we all are with friends, and strangers, and how precious those relationships can be.From the nearly half-million postcards that have been mailed to me, I brought one example to read to you. This is a postcard that I carry with me every time I travel to talk about PostSecret. Like so many of the secrets, if you truly open yourself up to them at the core there is a kernel of experience or wisdom that we can learn from. This secret reminds me to always treat the people I meet during my frequent travels with the kindness and respect that we all deserve. And once I read you this secret I think you will understand why.My home address is on the back of the card along with a stamp and a cancelation mark, this postcard was mailed from Seattle Washington. On the front are six RUSH stickers from an airport baggage handler. The secret reads: You called me an idiot so I sent your bags to the wrong destination. WHOOPS, I guess you were right.In the same spirit as PostSecret, a month ago, I asked each member of your 2009 Class to write down a brief message on a postcard. I didn’t ask for a secret. I asked instead for a response to the following question: What do my classmates, and I, need to hear on Graduation Day?I did not know what to expect by tapping into your collective wisdom, but I was soon thrilled by the insight, humor, and inspiration I felt in your earnest one-sentence commencement speeches. Here are just a few.Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks.It’s okay to fail – learn from it and you will succeed.It’s better to be pissed-off than pissed-on.These next three all offer solid advice about making the transition from St Mary’s to the real world.With the increased prevalence of multi-drug resistant bacteria and the increasingly epidemic worldwide outbreak of swine flu, WASH YOUR HANDS . . . RELIGIOUSLY.In the real world, you must wear shoes.I know some of us are going to walk off this stage today with no idea about what comes next – embrace it, find something that makes you happy, and follow it wherever it leads.These last two thoughts mention a part of the St. Mary’s experience that several students wrote about -- The St. Mary’s River. Perfection is something that everyone strives for, yet no one achieves; let the memory of the perfect sunrise over The St. Mary’s River drive your inspirations when you doubt your abilities in the future.Regardless of where the future takes us, we will still all have one commonality; the river and our time together here.This final inspirational thought came with a little back-story that I would like to include.So, I thought of this as I was getting breakfast at 8:30 this morning, after pulling an all-nighter. Yes, an all-nighter on the last night before the last day of classes ever in my undergraduate career. And then, parenthetically, I am still not done with my work, by the way; but I wanted to stop and write this . . . . . . I might be over the all-nighters in Baltimore Hall, the shower shoes, the no-soap-or-paper-towels-in-the-dispenser, and even the annoying Great Room hours of St. Mary’s College of Maryland; but I will never – EVER be over how each of those circumstances, at this fine institution, allowed me to meet the most fascinating and awesome people I have ever met in my life; I am humbled to call them friends! I really hope that person was able to finish up and be here. Are you out there? If you are please stand so we can recognize you. [Enthusiastic Applause] About 100 days ago I visited your special campus for the first time. I had a chance to appreciate the surroundings, the woods, The St. Mary’s River. And I got to know students, professors and staff. During that visit, I asked students if they had a favorite secret they had seen on the PostSecret website. One young woman recalled a secret that she had seen last year. It read: My friend believes they will change the world, and I believe them. She pointed out the classmate she was thinking of. I have forgotten the student’s name, but I believe they are here, right now, sitting in a white chair.My talk is almost over but before I close, I want to confess one of my secrets. It’s not a happy secret and I have never said it out loud before. . .I have lost contact with all of my college friends from Berkeley. In all the excitement of this special day, I hope you will not overlook the lasting value of the people you have shared this meaningful journey with. The friends, who decades from now will remember your face and character just as clearly as The St. Mary’s River.Don’t wait another minute to ask your classmate, professor or campus staff member for that email address, telephone number, or if you are old school like me -- mailing address.Twenty years from today, you probably won’t remember who your commencement speaker was or what he or she said. But I pray that each of you will never lose the important relationships formed in this extraordinary place with the old friends and new, who believe in you, and surround you, now -- in white folding chairs.

Wedding Registries

I have about 8 friends getting married this summer. Okay just 7 that I can think of. And while I am looking at wedding registries to pick out presents for these people I realize just how shitty a wedding registry really is. Not because it is literally like a little kids letter to Santa telling you exactly what they want, because honestly I like knowing exactly what someone wants it makes it easy for me and I wish people could do that for birthdays and other occasions.
The thing that sucks about wedding registries is the shitty presents people get. When is a meat tenderizer a good present? I have literally seen it on 5 registeries. One girl actually registered for one twice, which is understandable because how can anyone remember what they've registered for. But seriously, if a husband EVER got his wife a kitchen item for an Anniversary, Birthday, Holiday she would KILL him. That is the age old joke of the man who got his wife a cleaning/kitchen item and than wondered why she was upset about it. But here we are expecting to get all of these household kitchen items for a wedding and to be happy about it, to actually WANT these items...

WTF!?!

Relationships

Stringing Someone Along.
At what point is it no longer okay to act interested in a relationship when you no longer are? I have a friend who dated a guy for almost a year 2 years ago, he was a complete ass and broke her heart. She was stood up on Valentine's Day and he broke up with her just weeks before her family was going on a cruise, taking him with them. Just recently he realized he messed up and has been trying to get back together with her. She is really enjoying having the power in the relationship, making him pay for all meals, pick her up, buy her flowers, etc. She said she really has no interest in dating him especially not at this time, he hurt her too bad. She doesn't even act like she really wants to ever date him, just spends time with him, texts him, talks to him on the phone etc because she is bored or because he buys her food. She usually does not see him unless there is a meal involved. Is what she is doing any better than what he did to her 2 years ago?? How much longer is she allowed to do this to him before she has to move on? How long before he'll give up and move on?

Life

I have always wondered why things end up the way they do. How much control do we actually have on our own lives and how much of that is already predetermined?? I remember reading a book my Freshman year (Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld) but there was a quote in the book along the lines of some people come into our lives to be our best friends and change our worlds while others will be used to prepare us for our future friendships. At the time my roommate asked me if I was her best friend or just someone helping her to prepare, I laughed and said of course she was my best friend. To those of you who have known me for a while, you know that she was indeed the later of my friendships in the end. I find myself 4 years later looking back on our friendship and wondering if things were meant to end up this way. I ended up being friends with my roommate because we had the same birthday and she introduced me to my boyfriend of almost 4 years. My roommate and I had a terrible ending to a friendship which resulted in her breaking up with her boyfriend of over 5 years and me finding the love of my life. I really wish I could find that quote again and maybe even re-read the book.
It just left me wondering how she is doing now and if we could ever be friends again. I know we could never be that close again, I wouldn't even imagine it because honestly she hurt me in ways unimaginable but another part of me wonders why things ended? Why things ever really ended?

Mother's Day

I just found out that my best friend, neighbors since kindergarden, always went on vacations together and spent basically 24/7 together until HS, is pregnant. It sounds terrible but honestly an accidental pregnancy could not happen to a better girl. Her parents have always spoiled her and always will. They will continue to pay for her final year of college and her law school including all expenses until she graduates. Her boyfriend will be a "stay at home dad" but it honestly freaks me out because she is only 21! I know my mom had my brother at her age but Hannah has always seemed slightly immature and always seems to need that little bit of extra help to keep tract of things. However she is extremely excited and cannot wait for her baby boy to come in September. I am happy for her and would much rather her have a baby than me but I can't wait for her baby to be born so I can baby-sit!

The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas

Sunday night I rented "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas" and still now I cannot get the movie out of my head. I have always been fasinated with the Holocaust, even from a very early age. I remember BEGGING my mom to go into the Holocaust Museum in DC when it first opened, I was 12. I don't really remember it at age 12 but at age 22 when I went again this year, we spent 3 hours in the Museum and I tried to read EVERYTHING. I am not sure why I'm so facinated by it except that I have always loved trying to understanding why/how people do the things they do.

So I had heard that "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas" was a good movie so I rented it. OMG so terribly sad. I did not cry during the movie, which is impressive but it just left me feeling empty and so upset. Basically the movie is all about a German Natzi Officers 8 year old son and his perspective. The family is uprooted to live 2 miles away from a Concentration Camp and Bruno (the 8 year old boy) gets bored and begins to explore. He ends up finding the Concentration Camp and befriending a 8 year old Jewish boy as his friend. The movie is written incredibly well to make you feel like it is truly being experienced by an 8 year old boy. The part that stuck out to me the most was the tutorer having Bruno and his 12 year old sister read about how horrible the Jewish people are and how they have destroyed the German nation. The tutor than tells Bruno "if you can find a nice Jew you'd be the best explorer in the world." I don't want to spoil the end but it is a terrible ending but it left me wondering how any human could EVER treat another human being that way.

I learned in my Interior Design History class that people, especially in Europe, use to have Zoos of humans in the 1300's. They use to never see people of other ethnic groups, black, asian, indian, etc. so they would capture them and exhibit them in Zoos. It was supported by the arts for cultural experience!! I can honestly say that people have come a LONG way from having zoos of other humans but just 60 years ago we literally we're keeping people as slaves and killing them because we felt they were "not humans." I just cannot stop thinking about that movie and especially the ending, it broke my heart.

Fat is not a Handicap.

Sorry to offend anyone but I have to rant. Fat people gross me out, actually obese people. I understand a little junk in the trunk or a belly pooch. People who require a scooter at wal-mart but their ass cheeks hang over both sides, people who have a BMI of 40% and wear a bikini that cuts into their fat, men with pants 50x28. They all gross me out, I know I'm being ignorant because I don't know all of these people personally. I infact have several people, friends mothers, who are obese and I love these people but it does not make fatties gross me out any less. I hate seeing these people in their scooters at the grocery store, parking their cars in the handicapped spots near the door, eating at buffets, huffing to breathe while walking in the mall. I think for the most part I've developed this gross disgust with them because I have see too many people who have serious health issues from being so over weight and I wonder how ANYONE could do that to themselves. It is a simple solution, stop eating so many double cheeseburgers. Its not about stopping eating them completely, I eat double cheeseburgers and my ass doesn't hang over the scooter, its simply eating LESS!!

I love watching the show, "the biggest loser" because it shows people who are fat learning to be skinny through healthy eating and working out. I always enjoying seeing how much the people change and how they talk none stop about how much better they feel now that they have lost all the weight, or all the medications they are able to stop taking because they are healthier. I know I'm not in perfect shape but I try to spend time outside, walking dogs, or just enjoying the sunshine. I also eat a lot of mcdonalds, a lot. So it really hacks me off when I see a fat person getting out of their car in the handicap parking spot at Wal-Mart. They need to be required to park at the farthest spots, we are only helping them to be fat and lazy.

Religion

Every once in a while I come across a blog that inspires me to write something. I was raised Catholic, attended a Catholic grade school = church 4 times a week and went every Sunday until I graduated high school. My mom never forced me to attend church, well maybe when I was really little. After 6th grade we changed churches and started going to breakfast every Sunday after mass, we went with an old man who absolutely adored me (not in that creepy wanna touch you way) because he didn't have any daughters of his own, so I loved going to church to get breakfast. After I graduated I felt like I needed a break, I go to church probably once every 2 months and everytime I go I feel especially close to God but I don't feel like I need to go to church every week to be close to God. I've also never felt the need to pressure anyone about religion. In HS there was a family of 6 girls whose father was a baptist minister, his brother was a catholic priest though. The girls were invited everyone to attend their church every Sunday, which was slightly annoying, but after several weeks of telling them "no thank, I attend the Catholic church but thank you anyways" they started to get hateful. I accepted that they had different beliefs but they never seemed to feel the same way. I remember once joking about going to pergatory for an extra long time for eating meat on a Friday during lent, the girl flat out told me that there was no such thing as pergatory, nothing like having your beliefs shot down during english class. I have strong beliefs in my faith but do not feel like in the United States anyone should be felt threatened because of anothers Religious views.

Dad

My Dad came down last weekend to do some house work, my garage door wasn't working, my shower was leaking etc. Just little things but he is my "landlord" He honestly has not come down since the first major trip when he put in a shower when we first bought the house so it was nice for him to come see what all needs to be done. After just spending 6 hours with my dad I realized we are a lot more alike than I remembered and that scares me. We are both serious people pleasers who try to avoid conflicts to the point where we are unhappy. This also leads us to hold up all of our anger and just take getting yelled at whenever something goes wrong without arguing. We also enjoy a lot of the same things, would much rather read a book than watch tv, enjoy working on things (fixing stuff, hands on projects) and can never sit still. These are not bad things in any way, however being so much like my father, which everyone points out who knows both of my parents well, is scary because of the man who he's become lately. He has always been a hardworker, spending several extra hours a night at work making sure everything is done perfectly, not a bad quality. The part that worries me is my dads family history, he is one of 5 boys, 7 kids in all. 3 of his brothers have had DWIs, 2 of them have had 3 DWIs. My Dad has also begun to drink A LOT and for him if he gets a DWI he looses his job, they frown upon teachers getting DWIs. This is probably my biggest reason for never getting drunk, I enjoy drinking but avoid having more than 3 drinks a night because secretly I'm afraid I'll end up an alcoholic. Also I'm worried about being like my father is because he cheated on my mom and abandoned his family. I see my father maybe once or twice a year and I hate this because we use to be extremely close, I was a Daddys girl to an extreme until I turned 16 and he cheated on my mom and moved out. I am worried that I will getting married and at some point leave my family for another man. I love my Dad but am worried about becoming more like him and his bad qualities than for the good qualities that I once saw in him.

Although this weekend did make me realize that inspite of all his faults he is still a wonderful man and I do love him for being my Dad. I just wish that we were closer. I see my mom at least twice a month and if we don't talk on the phone we text daily, several times. I wish I had at least a little bit of that with my Dad. He is always willing to help with any serious issues (he spent several days researching my garage door being broken) but unless I need him to help with something he is never around.